The little things that count...

I've always disliked the phrase "dodged a bullet". It always seems to dismiss the feeling you have for the other person's point of view. This is one time I'm going to actually say... "Whew, I ... "

Following on the first part of this blog post where I mainly addressed my anxiety... Everybody experiences their anxiety, depression, bipolar and any other mental health issued differently. The trick is to try accept that people really do experience these problems, and they are real to them even if you don't believe they could possibly be so bad. Depression is not just about being sad. Most of the time when I have a depressive episode I'm not sad, or have anything to be sad about. My mom calls it my "dark place". I call it fighting with my demons.

If you haven't heard before, I'll remind you. I suffer from depression and anxiety (and more specifically - social anxiety). Today is one of those days where it's taken all my energy just to keep breathing. I smile and carry on with my day like nothing is wrong, but I'm struggling to breath, walk and talk. My heart is beating through my chest and I'm paranoid. I'm convinced I'm being watched. Most days I can keep it together, and most of the time, I really am together. But things like this pounce at you from nowhere. And when you've gone months without an episode, it takes you by surprise.

It's sad that so many people spend half their lives trying to become the "perfect size". I mean, if it's what you want to do, then go for it. But if you struggle with your weight, and in order to lose a few kilo's you become miserable, then is it really worth it? I'm not the kind of person who wants to go to the gym every day or watch every calorie I eat. Some people are. I'm not, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. 

Sometimes we need a reminder that all those little things you do for others really do come back to you in a big way. And often what meant so much to the person receiving was something really small to the person giving. Cosmic Karma. People tend to use Karma in a bad way, but I've been using it in a positive way for years. Amazing how people always seem to think Karma is a bad thing. We get told what goes around comes around. That's Karma, but people seem to prefer this way of saying or hearing the phrase.

I'm already hearing the background mutters. Wooing? What's wooing? Do men still attempt to woo a woman these days? I'm afraid I'm yet to find out if they even know the meaning.

It's not that I like catching people out. I just hate lying. I don't lie so I hate being called out on a lie that doesn't exist. I've taken to accepting that I know my truth and that's all that matters, but it still hurts a lot to be accused of things I never did. I remember knowing someone years ago who had obviously managed to get away with so many untruths. They may be small, but when there's one after another, it gets too much to handle. Funny though when you catch them out on something they've even started believing they get upset with you. You're suddenly the bad one for crushing their dreams.

My son and I were having a wonderful conversation last night. I can't remember how it started, but we were discussing boys vs girls. I told him about someone I had recently heard about who was discussing her grandchild, who was born a boy, but the mom wanted a girl so badly that she gave the child a girl's name, and is bringing him up as a girl. So wrong in so many ways. My son's first reaction was - that child is going to be so bullied by all the kids at school one day!

I did have to work yesterday (I also worked on Christmas Eve). It's not the end of the world. A few hours work with very little pressure. We finished up early. I fetched my kids. Grabbed some snacks and went home. By 3pm we were all in comfy clothes settled in for the night. We're not a party family. None of us were in the mood to party anyway.

Every year, we reach the end of the year and comment about what a bad year it was, and that the next year will be better. We repeat the sentiment. "What a bad year. Next year will be better." I can honestly say that this year has been one of the worst I've ever experienced. And I've experienced a lot of pain and really bad times in my life. Those bad times are usually just life happening. Divorce, financial strain, emotional break-downs. You always manage to pick yourself up and move on.

This month has been a bit of a hectic financial month. It started with a vet visit for my Bionic dog, Bella. I nicknamed her Bionic Bella, not because she has any robotic parts, but she's looks like she's been through 5 different wars. She's always been the dog to come out second best in a fight, but she's also made it through some situations other dogs would not have. Bella and Koda (my 3 year old pup who is about 5 times her size) had a fight one night. She had a few scratches but nothing serious. The way she is, she carried on like nothing was wrong (I once came home to find half her cheek hanging off - her and her brother Odie had been in a fight). She developed an abscess and I had to take her to the vet to get her on a course of antibiotics.

I was speaking to friend this weekend. I call most people I speak to, even if occasionally, a friend. I was saying that from next year I need to make more effort to get out and be social. The conversation actually came from people asking where I find the time to make all the beaded products I make (and of course hula hoops), be a single mom (which includes no domestic help at home), and work a full day job. My answer at first was : "I sit at night and make things while watching TV". Then came the next part "And I have no social life, so my weekends are spent keeping myself busy making stuff".

For years I've made really awful decisions regarding men and relationships. It's not a secret. I'm known for making these bad decisions. I think I'm starting to understand why I just kept getting worse with each "man" I dated.

  I remember reading a facebook post a few months back where this facebook friend was ranting about somebody who "clearly does not suffer from depression, yet always insists she does". I remember thinking "how can she see inside somebody else's mind and know how they're feeling? How can she dismiss something she claims to suffer from?" and "just because the person is maintaining or addressing their illness and (I guess obviously) succeeding in finding a balance doesn't mean she's also fighting her demons daily".

Half the point of this blog was to put down in words what I'm thinking. I don't do it as much as I should. Mostly my excuse is I'm busy with other things. I haven't felt such betrayal in a while. And the weird thing is I'm not sure why I'm feeling betrayal. Nobody actually betrayed me. I also feel fury, rage. I guess it's because I'm finally doing something I really want to do. And today it was taken away from me. Not for good, but just this week.

I was going to name this post "bigger, bigger, more, more" but realized it may be read for the wrong reasons. Everyone always wants more. Or bigger. People can't be happy with the choices they're given.

Friday Morning. I was not really looking forward to the day ahead. One little thing changed my day before it started properly. I was getting ready for work. I went out to check on bumper bash outside my house (I only heard it happen, but went to make sure everyone was ok). On my way back into my gate I saw a vehicle driving past. It was our local security company. As the car drove past I saw something catch my eye and turned back to look at the car. The driver of the security vehicle was the first responder to my hijacking call. Every now and then he checks up on me. I hadn't seen in a while and thought he'd perhaps left the company. But here he was - huge smile and enthusiastic wave.

A question a few fellow festival/ market traders have asked recently. Where have you been? We haven't seen you in a while... I took a break from doing markets. It's been over a year now. I needed a break. The break was longer than anticipated however. It seems a little petty now, but I let people's judgement and nasty words get to me.

The past few months have been a bit of a roller-coaster ride. But in true "me" style, I am still standing. This time I'm getting back up stronger than ever. I'm finding myself again. It won't be overnight but I'll enjoy the ride.

I've had a lot to think about... a lot to do... Life is generally crazy. I know I sometimes carry on about the reason why people enter our lives, but I think I'm perhaps finally done with learning lessons. I thought long and hard about why somebody had entered my life, turned everything upside down and left without a word leaving me to pick up the mess. My lesson: stop allowing anybody into my life. Stop allowing the broken people to take advantage of me. I decided a while back to focus on me. To look after me first. That was my lesson.