I think I get it now...

For years I've made really awful decisions regarding men and relationships. It's not a secret. I'm known for making these bad decisions.

I think I'm starting to understand why I just kept getting worse with each "man" I dated.

After my divorce, my self confidence took a massive dive. I'd already been made to feel like I didn't happiness. Like I was a mess up.

I dated a guy a while after my divorce who wasn't a terrible person, but we were wrong for each other. We brought out the worst in each other. He would knock me and my ideas down. I should've seen it earlier but I let him do it. I guess because I thought he must be right. Over time my self confidence just took more of a downward dive. Until I believed I wasn't worth anything. I eventually found the courage to tell him to go, but the damage was done. He had been critical and controlling.

The next guy I dated made me feel like I was worth it. He sweet-talked his way into my life. I believed his words were true. Unfortunately he just needed a way out of his life. When I realized he had multiple women in his life I told him to go too. By now I had absolutely no self confidence left. I won't go more into his behaviour now, but he was a narcissist.

The next was also a sweet talker. I wanted to take a break from relationships and didn't see that he was waiting for an opportunity to jump in. His sweet-talk worked. I wanted to feel loved and worthy again. Unfortunately he was another to just needed a way out of his life and he wormed his way into mine. His passive-aggressive behaviour drove me around the bend.

I believe that the last 2 made their way into my life in a vulnerable time. I probably over-looked many good men by going for the worst possible because I didn't think I was worthy of more. I also quietly knew that they weren't the brightest crayons in the pack so I may have gone for them hoping to make myself look better. However, I found that I often had to dumb-down because they hated that I was actually an intelligent person.

I have been single for 3 years (save for a few weeks of "seeing" one or two people). I crave the intelligence of another man. I've given myself enough time to know what I'd like and how I'd like to be treated. If a man is threatened by my intelligent or confidence or independence, then he's not worth my time and effort. But if a man is truly interested in me and accepts me for who I am, then I'll make the effort to keep him happy.