The raw reality of Mental Illness
If you haven't heard before, I'll remind you. I suffer from depression and anxiety (and more specifically - social anxiety).
Today is one of those days where it's taken all my energy just to keep breathing.
I smile and carry on with my day like nothing is wrong, but I'm struggling to breath, walk and talk. My heart is beating through my chest and I'm paranoid. I'm convinced I'm being watched.
Most days I can keep it together, and most of the time, I really am together. But things like this pounce at you from nowhere. And when you've gone months without an episode, it takes you by surprise.
The worst is trying to explain to people why you feel like this. There is no reason, or the reason may be a drop in the ocean that for some unknown reason exploded into crippling anxiety.
I could track it back a few days when my hairdresser hacked my crowing glory. I'd been growing my hair for year trying to decide what to do next. I decided to back to a long pixie cut. I now had more than enough hair to do so. Well, she had other ideas and chopped my hair to an inch long. As much as I've taken days to embrace it and accept it - and anyone who knows me, knows my most common saying when it comes to hair "it's only hair. It grows back!" I've struggled. I've had my hair this short (and shorter). I think I was so upset because I had one thing in mind and that was taken away. My mom says because I've changed, and I maybe wanted something softer.
Spotting the signs, and knowing how quickly my anxiety can escalate, I've spent the day trying to "think positive". I drew myself a cute drawing (which I'm surprised I managed to do as I've had absolutely no creative mojo for a while now). I decided rather than share somebody else's picture on social media, I'd create my own. It was a quick pencil drawing in colour, but I want to re-create it with zentangles (I love zentangles and they're so relaxing). So there's a start.
I forced myself to make dinner, and muffins tonight.
I'll be off to bed early, to try get in a few hours of sleep (I never sleep well when I'm feeling like this, and I've been tossing and turning for a few nights now - I'm exhausted).
My plan is to wake up feeling ready to conquer to world again, but I chose to write down how I'm feeling now, as I sometimes forget, and it's difficult to explain it to people to don't understand.
Read part 2 which covers a depressive episode here
Today is one of those days where it's taken all my energy just to keep breathing.
I smile and carry on with my day like nothing is wrong, but I'm struggling to breath, walk and talk. My heart is beating through my chest and I'm paranoid. I'm convinced I'm being watched.
Most days I can keep it together, and most of the time, I really am together. But things like this pounce at you from nowhere. And when you've gone months without an episode, it takes you by surprise.
The worst is trying to explain to people why you feel like this. There is no reason, or the reason may be a drop in the ocean that for some unknown reason exploded into crippling anxiety.
I could track it back a few days when my hairdresser hacked my crowing glory. I'd been growing my hair for year trying to decide what to do next. I decided to back to a long pixie cut. I now had more than enough hair to do so. Well, she had other ideas and chopped my hair to an inch long. As much as I've taken days to embrace it and accept it - and anyone who knows me, knows my most common saying when it comes to hair "it's only hair. It grows back!" I've struggled. I've had my hair this short (and shorter). I think I was so upset because I had one thing in mind and that was taken away. My mom says because I've changed, and I maybe wanted something softer.
Spotting the signs, and knowing how quickly my anxiety can escalate, I've spent the day trying to "think positive". I drew myself a cute drawing (which I'm surprised I managed to do as I've had absolutely no creative mojo for a while now). I decided rather than share somebody else's picture on social media, I'd create my own. It was a quick pencil drawing in colour, but I want to re-create it with zentangles (I love zentangles and they're so relaxing). So there's a start.
I forced myself to make dinner, and muffins tonight.
I'll be off to bed early, to try get in a few hours of sleep (I never sleep well when I'm feeling like this, and I've been tossing and turning for a few nights now - I'm exhausted).
My plan is to wake up feeling ready to conquer to world again, but I chose to write down how I'm feeling now, as I sometimes forget, and it's difficult to explain it to people to don't understand.
Read part 2 which covers a depressive episode here
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