Bad Parent

My 18 year old daughter has spent most of the past 3 weeks with friends.  She came home last night for the first night in what seems forever (I saw her on Christmas day, and she was home 2 nights last week).  Her words “Hi Mommy. I missed you” were music to my ears. I like to know my kids are happy to see me and come home.

A few nights ago she messaged me about her father. “He’s such an asshole” was how the conversation started. He had posted to her facebook timeline “Why can’t I get your mom here. Ask her” (all in caps lock). She deleted the message and didn’t reply to him.  And that is the very reason why I had to block him – he was always posting some crap on my timeline.  I told her to ignore him, and if he confronts her about it, he must phone me – he has my number!!! But he was probably drunk when he sent it.

He recently took my son fishing along the side of the highway – a known dangerous spot (druggies, hoboes, murders etc).  She went to find him and told him off – he laughed in her face. “Why is he like this?” My reply: because drugs fried his brain. He can’t think logically. He’ll never be the same person he once was and that’s sad.

“Him and Nana think they have some parental role over me suddenly.  I have one parent and that’s you. He’s not a parent.” Even my son (who is 12 and adores his dad) agreed “He’s more like a friend, not a dad”.

The situation really seemed to get to her. She told me last night that she was crying in her sleep that night “No, Mommy. I won’t leave you”. When the friends asked about it, she admitted she has a recurring “dream”.  She relives the night when he was breaking down the door to get to me.  He wanted me, not the kids, but they were in the room with me. I’d locked us in, but when he started kicking through the door I feared for them. I told her to squeeze through the window bars (she was small enough to – a tiny 7 year old at the time) and I’d pass her baby brother to her through the bars – they’d be safe.  But she refused. (my saving grace was his parents.  I phoned them in a panic and they must’ve heard the urgency as they pulled dinner off the stove and arrived at our house within 5 minutes).

She never told me she relives that night – I thought she may have forgotten most of it – it was 11 years ago.  But every day shows how strong she is.  She refers to her father these days as her “sperm donor”, and by watching him over the years has decided to stay away from drugs and alchohol (she has a drink now and then but has seen how it can mess up not just the user’s life, but those around too).

Sometimes we feel we're failing at every day life, but things like this remind me that I'm doing my best.  Those words "I have one parent and that’s you" remind me it's those little things that count.