Reach for the sky

Over the past 10 years I have been in a few relationships.  You'd think I spot all the warning signs and take heed.  My cousin asked me if I saw the red flags in the beginning.  Of course I did.  And my head told me to run.  But I think I was so desperate to feel loved after being used I ignored every single one of those warnings.

And they popped up all the time.  Unfortunately by the time I start questioning them, it's too late - I'm in too deep.

For the first time in a long time, I'm happy being single.  I don't know how long it will last.  You just never know what's lurking in the future.  And it could be another dud, or it could be destiny.


But as I said, for now I'm enjoying being single, and getting in touch with myself again. I get to spend so much time with my children.  They're growing up at an incredible rate.  Spending time alone is heavenly!!


Being a introvert (many people don't realize this!!) I prefer to be home alone.  I dread going out! So staying home working on things that earn me extra money is suiting me just fine.

I'm not saying I'd decline an invitation, but I'm not on the lookout. I recently found myself hurrying out of a shop because a sales assistant flirted with me.  I quickly paid and ran, no - sprinted, out of the shop.

Looking at the past relationships (and friends questions as to WHY I was in that relationship), I realized that I was settling for whatever came my way. I was never the girl the guy wanted, so when somebody showed interest in me, I guess I felt wanted. Loved.

Perhaps I  was hoping the frog would turn out to be Prince Charming - it always worked in the story books.

Although I never intentionally tried to change myself, I found myself changing to their ideals. Trying to make them happy.  In the process I always lost a piece of myself.

So many friends have told me I deserve so much more.  And I know it.
I'd rather have nobody than have

1. A drug addict who preferred his Cocaine Mistress. 
2. A possessive boyfriend who won't let me go out by myself (especially dressed up) as I was obviously trying to bed every other man out there in the world. Crushing my self esteem.  To the world I was a nobody.
3. A narcissist who brainwashes women with low self esteem to believe that he is the best they'll ever have (while having a few on the side) and leaving them at the drop of a hat with no remorse.
4. A lost cause who hasn't learnt to find love in himself that he feels a great sense of entitlement that the world owes him. And you feel sorry for him so allow him to exhaust you - emotionally, physically and financially.

I read a friend's blog (The Crow Diaries Life, Love, and Everything Else) this morning and her words always strike a chord in me.  This morning's words:
"The rule of three says that if you do something once, it’s worthy of forgiveness. If you do it twice, it’s a serious mistake. If you do it three times, though, you’re actively choosing that behaviour."

No more.